Wednesday, August 11, 2010

My brick kitten with an antenna (i.e. My temporary cell phone)

My cell phone broke. In the olden days, waiting to hear from a friend for a couple days would be no big deal. People could call my home phone. They could write me a nice letter. They might send me a "speedy" telegram. Maybe they would stop by and have have a tall glass of iced tea with me and "chew the fat."

But it's not the olden days. I don't ride a horse to work. I don't know how to use a typewriter. I don't know how to wear a corset. I look stupid with my hair in a bun.

I need my texting, my facebooking, my blogging. I send about sixty texts a day. There is no way I can wait the estimated two weeks for my new phone to get here so I communicate with all my friends again. (Yes, I am getting the Droid X as soon as it gets shipped :)

There was only one thing to do. Use my mom's ancient, antique phone as a temporary mobile device.

Note: This is the phone that Abraham Lincoln used to text his generals war instructions. Abraham took pictures of his top hat collection to send a pic message to his Cousin Mo in the south. Christopher Columbus used this phone to update his facebook status to, "I can't find the freaking land, crewmates hate me, I am going to go drink beer. lol."

This phone was the newest and greatest back in the day. Why? Because it has a camera on the front!! I mean who can think of a more awesome thing to put on a phone than that?!?! There is no way that humans can invent something more awesome than this "camera phone." Oh and get flips too!!! I mean I can flip it open like a cool person, and take a pic of my cat. Crazy.

Granted this phone is the size of a small brick. I could use it to stone a small person. (Not that I would of course....and that is just a morbid thought, but i am trying to think of other useful things to do with this phone.) When Jesus challenged the Pharisees to throw the first stone at that woman...I am pretty sure he was gesturing to a pile of these brick flip phones. However, This brick also has a bonus extendable antenna. Don't get good signal?? Try raising the metal antenna two more inches!!! Wow, WAYYYYY better service now!!!

Texting on this phone is like trying to send a smoke signal - slow and rather iffy when it comes to interpretation. You have to hunt for all the letters, and there is no indication for where the punctuation keys are. Consequently, I have to send the worst written sentences in history. What if I have to tell someone about a dog I saw, "Having been squashed by a truck the dog ate a half eaten hamburger" Or about my grandma killing a spider "Already dead my grandma flushed the spider down the toilet" Yeah.... if you get a text from me in the next couple weeks, I did actually go to college, I just have to type on a brick with an antenna, give me some grace.

I think the main reason I hate this phone is because it made me late to work yesterday. I set the alarm for 6:30 a.m. I checked it twice to make sure i set it correctly. I did. One problem. I set the alarm to be on vibrate. Now on my old phone, the "vibrate" setting was enough to awaken me with the thoughts of "AHHHH there is an earthquake!!! It's the big one!!"

Not this phone. Nope. The vibrate on this phone is that of the soft purr of a two-week-old kitten. And it only purrs twice. Quietly. Like that of a two-week-old kitten who is purring after drinking a whole bowl of warm milk. Yeah, I woke up three hours after I was supposed to be at work.

Stupid kitten.


Billy said...

LOL: "Chew the fat"

Sounds like the phone did you a favor. hahaha!
Emily, your blog is my new favorite thing to read (aside from Wired :) ). Its hilarious.

Billy said...

Oh and your blogger profile still says "The Business student". Actually.... I guess you could keep it that way forever. No sense in stopping the learnage...

The Business Student said...

Hahaha thanks billy, I am glad I have such an awesome "fan."